Dear Lilly

 🌹❤️🌹

Olive juice 

Dear Lilly ❤️

 This past year has been a challenge with everyone involved but... You are well worth the effort. You'll be coming home to me or your Na Na sometime this year. I love you ❤️.

I Felt Like Writing About Stuff.... Like Jesus ❤️

 I had to find an existing Blog of mine to make a post that is more personal rather than business related. So here I am and anyways, I’ve been thinking rather deeply this evening about topics such as; forgiveness, love, empathy, and compassion. The list goes on.... but one thing I want to hone in on is forgiveness. Seriously it’s been one of the most challenging things for me to even think about doing. I think about Jesus and how he so readily forgave and accepted others and he wasn’t selective either. He was a perfect man, well he is God, yah know? I often wonder how he found it in his heart to forgive people who betrayed him, had him crucified, and who tortured and ridiculed him before his death? How do you love people like that with such a big, open heart? When I first read in the Bible that we must forgive those who we deem to be enemies and love them, well.... I was floored to say the least! How could I forgive people who had wounded me so deeply? Back then I was just a child at the tender age of 14. I was incarcerated at age 13, almost 14 until my 19th birthday, then was released after a court hearing. I finally had my freedom back but life was a whirlwind, full of ups and downs.

I soon realized that I had to forgive people who I felt had wronged me and deeply hurt me. Here I was, 19 with my freedom back in my hands and the world was my oyster, yet I was tortured by my past and the people in it, my family included. I soon realized that I was angrier than I knew and had bitterness and hatred in my heart from being abandoned by friends and family at 13 years of age. Although I get it and I can empathize with them, it still hurt me deeply. I know why they left me in the dust. I know. I can’t disclose that info here because well I don’t think I ever do online or social media. Not about the offense that I committed back at 13 yrs old. Most people just don’t get how someone who had done what I did could still be, “Normal” and an average person in our society. That’s what I am actually... Just an average Caucasian single mother in America. I’m just trying to get by and make ends meet. Yeah, this isn’t a Lifetime movie over here and quite often life can be mundane and simple.

I actually try to make most things in my life simple, yet chaos always seems to come knocking at my door. Trouble comes after ME and considering that I hate drama and hate creating it, I mean..... I don’t go chasing after it is what I’m trying to say. It’s always about my past too and the criminal-juvenile offense that I committed. A lot of the drama surrounds, “Concerns” about my mental health and fears that I’ll suddenly go nuts and hurt someone or something. Which will not happen, by the way.... I swear people have seen too many Lifetime movies. This is not Hollywood either! :-) I have self-control, believe it or not and my brain is now fully developed at 38, and I am not as impulsive and angry as I once was as a teenager. I was “Blessed” with the ability to feel the gammon of emotions from an early age and to feel these emotions intensely and deeply. Good, bad, and everything in between. It wasn’t until I hit maybe 23 that I started to level out but then my therapist happened.

So yes, it’s highly humiliating and I’m embarrassed to say that I fell in love with my therapist who was a woman. I have had many therapists over the years and not once had I really loved any of them. I cared but wasn’t desperately and deeply in love with them like the one I’m referring to now. I often wonder if she thinks of me or good times in therapy sessions, and times when I healed and was doing well? I wonder..... Or times when she was happy to just be there and to help? I’ll never know because she decided to cut me off years ago. I think therapy had just come to a point where it was no longer helping me and it certainly wasn’t a good spot for her to be in either. I get why she did what she did. One thing I will never understand is why she shamed me in her last email to me and why she left me high and dry before I had even transitioned to another therapist? She was very harsh  and abrupt in that last email. I don’t even want to repeat it because it still stings a bit.

Here I really felt she cared for me and she went cold on me. Personally I feel she was somewhat unethical. She accused me of being delusional, among other things that I just don’t care to repeat at the moment. My heart was really broken when she fired me as a client. Man, when the anger kicked in, I was FURIOUS. I can’t even say what went on in my mind. I mean, like I said I have self-control so it’s not like I was going to harm her physically. Yet, I had some harsh and nasty words for her in some Facebook messages on messenger. She never replied. Prob couldn’t as a therapist, you know since it’s frowned upon for them to retaliate on x clients, lol :) . Yeah she kept a lid on it and whenever I tried to process the feeling of betrayal and abandonment, she just never responded again so finally one day, I gave up.

I sent her messages very randomly, on and off for years now and still no reply. Sometimes 3-4 years pass, or a year or two and then one day I’ll say hello and that I’m wishing her well, and to take care. I can’t say I was always in that position. God I was pissed and deeply hurt, with a broken heart for YEARS. Did I mention anything about my son? Yeah I had a son who had a birth defect and ultimately we let him go at 8 months old. RIP hun, I love you ❤️. My son was a sweet soul and he was the reason I stuck around after my therapist said bye, bye! Yeah, I thought I just might end up you know.... Killing myself back then. Not today, no but back then I was on the verge of suicide for a while until I got pregnant with my son. Then once he died, I swear any life within me drained out of me and I was an empty shell. Not to mention the consistent nightmares that have lasted over the years from the deep trauma that all of this caused me.

It was a culmination of everything from my childhood, to incarceration, to adulthood and being released into the world again, to.... Now what? At the age of 19. I would get into my children’s father, yes I have two kids. My son who passed away from the birth defect and my daughter who is now almost 2 and a half months old, almost. 3 but not quite yet. She’s the apple of my eye and I just love her so much! So, I’ll get into baby daddy another time. Like I said, it was a culmination of everything, and all of the pain and trauma over the years, the heart reaching GRIEF..... I mean in my darkest moments I found myself curled up in a ball, on the floor, by the toilet, sobbing and praying, and begging for God to help me. Words can NOT express the depth of my sorrow in my lifetime. Yes, I am doing rather well now but I haven’t had the easiest life.

Life has presented itself with TONS of ups and downs, even to this very day. Since I’m a sensitive soul, the sorrow can cut a bit deeper than the average person I think. Today I do get sad sometimes but thankfully it’s not super deep and heart wrenching. Been there, done that and I don’t care to ever revisit those times again, like ever. The meds help and so does therapy and all of the providers that help keep me healthy and on track. I have to do a lot of the work myself of course. So what’s my point here? I’m doing my best here but I’m not exactly the best writer in the world. This is kinda like a public journal. Think of it that way. I want to share my story with you. So my point? Forgiveness is important! You have to forgive people that have hurt you, cut you off, abandoned you, abused you, etc.... Without forgiveness YOU will be the one to suffer.

It’s hard.... Very hard. Yet forgiveness is necessary in order to have a healthy and fulfilling life. Yes, my therapist kinda was a bit on the unethical side and was clearly sexually attracted to me. I mean, when you know, you know. Yet Denial was her middle name. I think she may have even loved me romantically too, but can I prove it? No and I am done trying to know for sure. I don’t want to do the fortune telling thingy. It will drive you nuts if you do that on a regular basis, in your own personal life. I provide psychic readings for people online but when I’m done working I don’t go out of my way to read everyone. Back to the point. Unforgiveness will destroy you to the core. It will make you hate people, fear people, and dread people. It will cause you to isolate and to not trust others. I have been there, done that! I don’t care to revisit those dark places. What worked the best was continually practicing empathy and compassion. I kept, especially trying to put myself into her shoes.

Because of my constant redirecting of myself and my negative emotions to that of love, forgiveness, compassion, and empathy, I was able to finally forgive her after many years. It’s been what? Over ten years now? Maybe 12? The pain comes off in layers and you forgive things bit by bit, over time. At least this is how it was for me. Not only did I have to forgive her, I had to forgive myself for being so nasty and mean to her in the end, which I felt embarrassed about and just guilty. I felt bad about it all and didn’t want to leave like that but unfortunately I did just that, then sent several letters apologizing. Emails too and she still never responded. The only “response” I got was when, after she fired me as her client, I emailed her threatening suicide and she sent an ambulance over to my place.

They forced me into the psych ward for maybe 3 days, over the weekend? Yeah.... I had taken anxiety pills with alcohol and it wasn’t nearly enough to take my life and I knew that but it made me sick. Then once I was in a room I slept for a while and cried a lot. Like the kind of crying where you weep. I was absolutely devastated. I loved her more than I had ever loved anyone before, romantically. If we had ever been together and we never were, but she would have def been the love of my life. All that’s went on was mainly a lot of flirting and subtle hints of attraction but nothing that I could pin point and throw in her face in the end. Not really.... She accused me of being delusional but I know what’s real and what is not. I just know. There is so much more to my story and all I can do is continue to write/journal and share it with all of you. My hope is that someway, somehow it will help someone with their grief. That is will help someone to process their grief well. I would like to delve into it a lot more soon. Until then, good day and goodnight.

The Elephant Totem

•              Choose an inanimate object in your workspace. Note: This could be a chair, desk, plant, pencil, or whatever catches your eye.

•              My golden elephant candle holder

•              Write a blog about the following:

•              What is its story? The elephant is my core totem. I discovered this was my totem after I met with my Shaman Sarah Seidelmann. I was in need of healing and a Shaman, so sought her on a google search. I was drawn to her picture that exuded joy. So in one of the healing sessions she told me that my core totem is the elephant. It was crazy how much I had in common with an animal! We can learn so much from our animal kingdom. Animals are innocent and there is no deception in their world, so observing them gives me an inner peace that I cannot seem to get from observing people. Their purity (animals) speaks volumes.

•              Imagine it sitting next to another object of its kind but of much better of much worse quality. What is it thinking about that other object? I am thinking of the tiny black elephant that I have standing next to the golden elephant. I suppose the tiny one feels inadequate next to the large fancy elephant and needs protection because it is so small. The large golden elephant feels the need to protect the black baby elephant and takes pity on its simplicity. The golden elephant feels superior yet responsible for this tiny elephant. How does it feel being compared to it? The golden elephant is much more cocky and conceited and likes to show off, which is quite obvious.

•              Now, what advice would this object give you if it could talk?

•              To have more confidence in myself! You can be a bigger gal and take pride in your appearance! J Be bold, confident, and cocky! Know that you are beautiful, you shine like a diamond, and you can do anything! Don’t be afraid to stand out from the crowd!